ANXIETY

Where does anxiety come from?

How we see ourselves, understand ourselves and relate to the world are shaped by the different relationships, interactions and experiences we have throughout our lives. These experiences can influence not only how we see ourselves, but what we believe we need to be in order to feel safe, accepted and valued.

So where does your anxiety come from?

Where do you notice it in your body?

Can you relate it to any beliefs you have about yourself?

Seeing clients in private practice who experience anxiety, self-doubt and confusion around this has brought me to reflect on my own history with anxiety.

So, where does my anxiety come from?

I have experienced anxiety at different levels since I was young. Being bullied, the pressures of being a teenager, first brought a sense of social anxiety. At university, this developed into periods of disordered eating and perfectionism. The need to try and be "good" at home while being ostracised by my peers for years in school developed into the need to control myself to achieve highly and be well liked.

For me, anxiety isn't always immediately identifiable as a thought. Sometimes I notice it first in my body.

Anxiety often shows up in my lower abdomen when I am finding things difficult to emotionally process and digest. I feel it in my throat and chest when I want to speak about how I feel but can't find the words. It lives in a little knot on my left shoulder which can mutate and settle into that area, as though something is trapped there.

These physical experiences have become part of how I recognise anxiety in myself. They don't tell me exactly what is 'wrong', but they are a signal to stop and become curious about what is going on for me.

What beliefs about myself is my anxiety related to?

I tend to notice my anxiety most when I am trying to do too much, attaching myself to things, or giving away my energy and resources to places and people where my instinct is warning me to step back.

For me, anxiety can be a sign that I am approaching a period of too much. That I am ignoring something I already know. That I am trying to be something for someone else, or expecting more from myself than I have the resources to give.

But why does this happen?

And what are the theories that help me understand anxiety and how it develops within us?

A person-centred understanding of anxiety

Person-centred therapy, developed by Carl Rogers, understands anxiety less as a disorder or something that is “wrong” with the person, and more as something that can emerge when there is a conflict between our lived experience and the way we understand ourselves.

Rogers described this in terms of congruence and inco

ngruence.

Congruence is, broadly, a sense of fit between our experience and our understanding of ourselves. Incongruence happens when there is a gap between the two — when what we are experiencing doesn't fit with the person we believe ourselves to be, or believe we need to be.

For example, I might believe that I am someone who holds everything together. I meet project deadlines on time, eat well, exercise, keep in touch with my social circle and stay engaged with the world around me.

But my actual experience might be one of struggle, overwhelm and tiredness.

There is a mismatch between what I believe I should be able to manage and what I am actually experiencing.

This unfamiliar space can be where anxiety emerges.

How do we learn who we are supposed to be?

Rogers believed that our sense of self develops through our experiences and relationships with other people.

As children, we are particularly dependent on the people around us for acceptance, safety and connection. We learn, sometimes very subtly, what seems to be valued, rewarded or welcomed.

We might learn that being helpful gets us approval.

That being successful makes people proud.

That being quiet avoids conflict.

That being independent means we don't burden anyone.

That being easy-going makes relationships easier.

Or that getting things “right” means we are doing well.

These ideas can become what Rogers called conditions of worth — beliefs about who we need to be in order to feel accepted or valued.

The problem is that these ideas can become so familiar that we stop questioning them.

We can become very good at being the person we think we need to be, while becoming less familiar with what we actually feel, want or need.

We might tell ourselves:

I should be able to cope with this.

I shouldn't be this tired.

I need to keep everyone happy.

I should be further ahead by now.

I can't let people down.

I need to get this right.

And underneath those thoughts might be something much simpler:

I'm exhausted.

I'm scared.

I don't want to do this.

I need some help.

I'm angry.

I don't know what I want.

What happens when our experience doesn't fit?

When something we are experiencing threatens our sense of who we are, we may try to push it away, minimise it, rationalise it or distract ourselves from it.

We might work harder.

Become perfectionistic.

Overthink.

Seek reassurance.

Avoid difficult conversations.

Keep ourselves busy.

Try to control things.

Put other people's needs before our own.

These responses can make sense. They may have developed because they helped us navigate relationships and situations at some point in our lives.

But sometimes the things that once helped us cope can begin to keep us disconnected from what we are actually experiencing.

Anxiety can show up as overthinking, restlessness, poor sleep, irritability, difficulty making decisions, physical tension or a sense of being overwhelmed.

But beneath these experiences there may be something we haven't yet found the words for.

Becoming curious about anxiety

For me, one of the most useful shifts has been learning to become curious about anxiety rather than simply trying to get rid of it.

That doesn't mean that anxiety is always helpful, or that we should simply accept distressing symptoms without support.

It means asking:

What is happening for me right now?

Where do I notice it in my body?

What was happening just before I felt this way?

What am I telling myself about what I should be doing?

What am I afraid might happen?

What do I need?

Is there a part of my experience that I am finding difficult to acknowledge?

These questions aren't about finding one definitive cause of anxiety. Our experiences are complex, and anxiety can have many contributing factors.

But becoming more curious about our own experience can help us begin to recognise patterns.

We might start to notice that anxiety appears when we are overcommitted.

Or when we are afraid of disappointing someone.

Or when we are trying to meet an expectation that no longer fits who we are.

Or when we are struggling to acknowledge that something isn't working for us.

What can therapy offer?

In therapy with me, I don't see my role as telling you where your anxiety comes from or giving you a formula for getting rid of it.

Instead, we can become curious about your particular experience of anxiety.

Where is it felt in your body?

What thoughts accompany it?

When does it appear?

What seems to make it stronger or quieter?

What might it be connected to?

And what have you learned about yourself, perhaps over many years, that might help us understand why these experiences feel threatening now?

I work from a place of considering the whole person and the wider context of their life. This means exploring what has brought you to therapy, while also paying attention to what is happening for you in the here-and-now.

Finding words that feel right to describe your experiences, in a non-judgemental and open space, can be the beginning of developing greater trust in yourself and your decision-making.

Perhaps most importantly, therapy can offer a space where you don't have to already know the answer.

You don't need to arrive knowing exactly where your anxiety comes from.

We can start with what you notice now, and work from there.

If anxiety feels difficult to manage or confusing, I currently have availability for online counselling appointments and would be happy to arrange an initial conversation to explore whether therapy might be helpful for you.